A month ago I met someone at an event. We had a few minute conversation and just recently I received an e-mail from them asking for a recommendation to a friend of mine who has a job opening, because “employment is based on who you know” and she thought getting this recommendation would help her.
I don’t mean to single this person out, but I’ve run into this attitude a few too many times and I think it’s worth saying a couple words on it. On the surface, “Who you know” does seem to make a big difference in getting jobs, starting businesses, etc. And there is good reason for it. The world overwhelms you with options: hiring people, choosing vendors, picking a movie to see–there are tons of choice for each of these things and getting recommendations from people that you trust is a great filtering process. If a friend of yours that you trust has already done the thinking and evaluating, you can benefit from the result of their effort. It’s just division of labor applied to intellectual activity.
But the idea of trying to “collect” contacts, of “building your network,” and other such activities is misguided. Its reversing cause and effect. People are willing to refer you because you offered them some value in the past and they were impressed with your ability. You can’t just ask for people to refer you, you have to do something to make you worth referring. Just like you can’t ask for admiration, you have to do something that makes you worthy of being admired. People who wish for an effect have to enact the requisite cause.
My favorite instance of this realization: You have to pursue greatness not success. Achieve greatness and success will follow. Take that attitude in everything you do and you’ll never have to worry about “building your network” ever again.
Great post Keith, I totally agree.
Great example of how someone doesn’t understand the value of building mutually beneficial relationships. Before you can expect someone to help you, you have to build trust. Also, you should be offering to help people before you ask for help. Relationships should be built for the long run. Once a relationship is built, then it is okay to ask for a referral. Asking someone for a referral a month later is ridiculous if you don’t know the person very well. This person should have gottne to know you as soon as she met you the first time.
Whenever someone asks me to give them a referral, I ask myself one question. Would I want to work in the same group with this person? If it is a yes, of course I give my referral. Otherwise, there had better be some other good reason to pass on the referral (e.g., bribes, etc
hehe). After all, my reputation is on the line when I give a referral.
Important also is the content of the referral. If I have reason to believe a person *may* be worthy of referral, but I am not 100% certain, I always qualify the referral with the specific things I know about the person which warrants attention. Experience, skill set, aptitude, attitude… these all come into play.
I learned this lesson earlier this year when I asked a contact for job leads on behalf of a trusted friend. My contact very wisely asked me qualifying questions about my friend to determine if he was someone worth her putting her reputation on the line for. That was a great example to me as a younger professional, and I’ve learned to handle those type of requests that come my way in that manner.
Great post and topic, Keith. Thanks for prompting me to think more on this.
Keith, you hit the nail on the head. A referral request is asking someone to invest relationship capital on your behalf. If you are right, it’s a win-win-win, because the two interested parties are connected and you rise in their esteem as the connector, and the investment pays off. But it has to be built upon real knowledge of the person. Making it easier to connect to people also cheapens those connections if you aren’t careful.
This reminds me of networking events put on for unemployed people. Nothing more depressing than an after-lunch crowd of 150 out of work people handing each other business cards.